Welcome back for a truly unpredictable episode of Who the Fuck Are All These Fucks? as eight – that’s right, folks, eight– Republican members of Congress try to get the rest of their party to agree that they should be the one who gets to be the next Speaker of the House. As a reminder, Jim Jordan recently had the opportunity to run against technically nobody and he lost anyway, so it takes a special kind of person to jump into this race. Fortunately and/or unfortunately, the GOP has eight special people.
Jack Bergman
DISTRICT: Michigan’s 1st
ALMA MATER: Gustavus Adolphus College
BEFORE CONGRESS: Lieutenant General, United States Marine Corps
ALIGNMENT: Pro-Trump, Anti-Democracy
CHANCES: Poor
Jack Bergman believes that climate change is real and the 2020 election was stolen, so we’re already off to a wild start. Actually, Bergman’s support for climate change legislation can be chalked up to his lakeside Michigan district, where climate change poses some unique threats. Republicans in districts near water, for some reason, seem to be more willing to look for climate change solutions than their peers inland. Weird.
Bergman thinks transgender people pose a threat to the military (transgender people literally braver than a U.S. Marine, write that down). He also was involved in the election denial events in Congress that led directly to the January 6th coup d’etat against the United States.
Bryon Donalds
DISTRICT: Florida’s 19th
ALMA MATER: Florida A&M University
BEFORE CONGRESS: Member of the Florida House of Representatives
ALIGNMENT: Pro-Trump, Anti-Democracy
CHANCES: Poor
Bryon Donalds, who has a name that sounds like the name Donald Trump will try to use the next time he’s pretending to be Donald Trump’s friend, has repeatedly said that Joe Biden’s presidency is illegitimate. You have to admire the chutzpah of trying to win a leadership election while claiming that another leadership election wasn’t valid, especially when you, again, have surely watched this work out well for all the people before you. His policy positions don’t really matter, which is good because he barely has them.
Tom Emmer
DISTRICT: Minnesota’s 6th
ALMA MATER: University of Alaska, Fairbanks
BEFORE CONGRESS: Member of the Minnesota House
ALIGNMENT: Pro-Trump, Anti-Democracy
CHANCES: Good
Tom Emmer has Kevin McCarthy’s support. What else could you need? It didn’t help Kevin McCarthy, mind you, but maybe it will help Emmer, who is currently the party’s whip (this is the person whose job is to make you vote the party line, so it’s going to be phenomenonly embarassing if he can’t ensure folks vote for Kevin Mc – sorry, for Steve – oh, uh, for Jim Jorda – ah, well. Nevertheless).
Anyway, this is just word-for-word from Wikipedia:
In an October 2022 CBS News television interview, Emmer was challenged for posting a video on Twitter that showed him firing a fully automatic machine gun with the caption “#FIREPELOSI”. As chair of the National Republican Congressional Committee (NRCC), Emmer led 2022 election efforts to win a majority and replace House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. The post occurred just days before the home invasion and attack on Pelosi’s husband in California.
Kevin Hern
DISTRICT: Oklahoma’s 1st
ALMA MATER: Arkansas Tech
BEFORE CONGRESS: Owner of several McDonald’s franchises
ALIGNMENT: Pro-Trump, Anti-Democracy
CHANCES: Decent
Follow along with me. When McCarthy was ousted, Kevin Hern announced he would run for speaker. Then, Scalise and Jordan announced, and Hern dropped out. He supported Scalise, and said he would run for Majority Leader (the job Scalise had), but then Scalise dropped out, so there was no Majority Leader election, and Hern was stuck for a bit. Now, though, there’s a speaker opening again, so Kevin Hern is out there slinging Egg McMuffins and trying to win the big seat.
Hern voted to overturn the 2020 election, presumably on the grounds that a Democrat won, which is proof of voter fraud.
Mike Johnson
DISTRICT: Louisiana’s 4th
ALMA MATER: Louisiana State University
BEFORE CONGRESS: Member of the Louisiana House
ALIGNMENT: Pro-Trump, Anti-Democracy
CHANCES: Poor
Mike Johnson believes medical marijuana will cause you to do cocaine.
Gary Palmer
DISTRICT: Alabama’s 6th
ALMA MATER: University of Alabama
BEFORE CONGRESS: Leader of the Alabama Policy Institute, a conservative think tank he co-founded
ALIGNMENT: Pro-Trump, Anti-Democracy
CHANCES: As Close to Zero As You Can Imagine
Gary Palmer is a hard-line Freedom Caucus member who says Donald Trump was to blame for January 6th but Democrats committed an “abuse of power” when they tried to hold Trump responsible for it. Just truly incredible beliefs in the Freedom Caucus. Anyway, The New York Times says Palmer could unify the different factions of the Republican Party, presumably because one faction thinks January 6th was bad and the other thinks it was fine, and Palmer apparently thinks both.
Austin Scott
DISTRICT: Georgia’s 8th
ALMA MATER: University of Georgia
BEFORE CONGRESS: Member of the Georgia House
ALIGNMENT: Pre-Trump Establishment Republican
CHANCES: Very Good
Austin Scott has worked tirelessly to remove Confederate iconography from the American South, and by this point in the list, this has to be something of a surprise. Scott is by far the most traditional, pre-Trump Republican in the race. Pro-gun, anti-abortion, use American money to support American interests abroad, explain to Congress that it does not have the power or the right to overturn an election, all that kind of stuff. Scott also, you might be surprised to learn, is a real contender?
Scott entered the race after Scalise dropped out because of his opposition to Jim Jordan’s candidacy. He lost that nomination to Jordan but that’s worked out for him in the end. If the right wing coalesces around Emmer, the center may see Scott as their guy.
Pete Sessions
DISTRICT: Texas’s 17th
ALMA MATER: Southwestern University
BEFORE CONGRESS: Vice President for Public Policy at the National Center for Policy Analysis
ALIGNMENT: Pre-Trump Establishment Republican
CHANCES: Very Good
You can’t make me read this.
